Money and Relationships Series: When To Talk About Money While Dating

When should you talk about finances in a relationship? As soon as possible.

OK, maybe not on the first date but you don’t want to wait until you’re already emotionally involved with a person to find out you’re not financially compatible. Unless the two of you are only dating for fun and have no intentions of moving the relationship forward, you should have a few personal finance discussions before getting attached.

Certain conversations will help you decide if your lifestyle aligns with your potential partner and if the two of you should continue seeing each other.

 Debt

After a few dates, you may want to talk about debt tolerance. Some things to consider are the amount of debt, the timeline for payoff, and your feelings towards debt. For instance, some people may think carrying certain types of debt, such as a car loan or mortgage, is totally acceptable. Others may believe in being 100 percent debt-free and buying everything with cash. Similarly, the amount of debt you may consider a deal breaker may not seem as serious to your potential partner. You don’t have to get into specifics early in your dating relationship, but talking generally about these topics helps you decide whether or not there is potential to move forward.

 Later in the relationship when you begin thinking about next steps with your partner—whether it’s moving in together, marriage, or children—is a good time to discuss debt. Hopefully because you have already discussed debt tolerance levels earlier in the relationship, you and your partner will be on the same page.

 Spending vs. Saving

This conversation may come in handy when dating to set expectations of how often and the types of dates you and your partner will enjoy together. Someone who prioritizes saving may prefer to go on less dates or more cost-savvy dates, while a spender may prefer to treat themselves and expect to go on more lavish dates. Open communication on expectations is good at every stage of a relationship! It’s also wise to revisit this conversation later in the relationship to prepare for large obligations and financial hurdles you may decide to face together.

 Mine vs. Yours

“What’s mine is yours” may have been the norm 50 years ago in most marriages, but times are definitely changing. Younger generations are making their own rules when it comes to money and marriage, and it is important to discuss what that will look like in your marriage. Money issues are a leading cause of divorce, so it is wise to ensure you’re on the same page before you marry. You’ll want to discuss whether or not you will combine your money, keep it separate, or use a combination of both. If you don’t plan on getting married but see each other as life partners, I suggest having this conversation after about one year of living together.

Financial Goals

Your financial goals say a lot about the vision you have for your life. I recommend discussing these goals before moving in together. This will help you and your partner understand how the other person desires to live and the direction they see their life going in. This will allow you to compromise on areas of disagreement and ensure the relationship progresses smoothly. I also recommend checking in and reassessing financial goals periodically during your years together. Continuing this conversation and adapting together is extremely important in maintaining a healthy, growing relationship.

Catch - 22

This topic is somewhat of a catch-22. If you are the first one to bring up money in your relationship, you run the risk of being considered intrusive or the term that I hate a “gold digger”. On the reverse side if you never bring it up, you run the risk of being surprised with a financial nightmare later down the line (e.g., finding out the person you love has racked up $90 thousand of credit card debt.) To avoid either problem, I suggest sharing your own values and experiences as conversation starters. Instead of asking your partner directly about their spending habits, talking about how you’d rather own stock in Louis Vuitton than own one of their handbags could be a great way to start a conversation about saving vs. spending. Assuming you are dating a sensible human being, talking about your own experiences with money should not raise any red flags.

Above all, remember that it’s a good idea to talk about finances at every stage in your relationship. The level and depth of these conversations will depend on the strength of your relationship at that time. Done with respect and care for each other, these talks will only help to deepen your relationship. Always consider your partner’s comfort level about discussing money—but do not avoid it!

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